Welcome to Good Burger.

I just finished watching this one tonight. And shit was it good. I'm not just saying that.

This movie comes out of a skit in the television show "All That." I know, I had never heard of it either. Luckily, Medellee schooled me and now I know that All That is like the Mickey Mouse Club of Nickelodeon. Amanda Bynes was on this show! Many other rad people are connected with this. Holy shit, fuck back story, let's talk about the movie!

Classic "rich people come to town and try and threaten little guys who are genuine and will fight for the right to be awesome" movie, but Good Burger succeeds where others of this genre fail: I actually like the main characters! They have charisma! YAY!

To cut a long review short (too late), this movie is wonderful for fans of semi-subversive family fare. It is a very hilarious indictment of big business even though its reason for winning is confidence and a special sauce. Insane. Recommended when you want to be entertained and shut your brain off. Might I also mention Sinbad, Abe Vigoda, and Shaquille O'Neal?

4 Crushed Cars out of 5

I miss you bro.

Fast Getaway 2

In this crowd, I'm sure I'm late to the Fast Getaway 2 Party.

It has taken a very long time for me to muster up the courage to watch this film. The problem was always that the original Fast Getaway is one of my favourite Corey Haim films. And, as we all know, that is not something said lightly. I had a far easier time watching Demolition University because I KNEW it was going to be absolute shit. This one I hoped for; I wanted it to be at least sort of as good as the first. Incorrect, Tim.

Cynthia Rothrock is barely in this movie. Well, barely compared to how much I wanted her to be in it. As we all know, Rothrock is possibly the only badass female action star to ever ever exist. Demi Moore tried but failed within one movie. Rothrock's M.O. WAS badass action star, in every fucking movie. Rothrock gets second shrift to Haim in this picture. And that bums me out so hard. She was the best; her starring roles are so rad. Fast Getaway was SO. RAD. This movie basically just wasted all of the potential that Rothrock brought: instead, this movie was a vehicle to try and make Corey Haim a worthy adult actor.

I was really disappointed in this movie, if you didn't pick that up already. Even the scant action sequences that there were (featuring Corey Haim) were very unimpressive.

I think I'm really just so down on this movie because I loved the first one so very much. Please read this review knowing that. I love you.

8912763487 out of 1893749260q86587613847658763456 I don't even care.

Cyborg AKA Slinger

Oh man, did I make a mistake with this one. Not having ever seen the normal version of Cyborg I sort of assumed that the director's cut would be better. Basically, all this movie did was make me want to watch the other, studio cut, Cyborg (especially since said studio is Golan-Globus!(!!!!!!)). And the only reason I wanted to watch this film was so I could watch its sequel! Goddamnit. Anyways, it isn't bad, there's some rad killing and stuff, but the fucking director decided that a movie that skips back and forth through time would be arty and impressive and thus totally lost sight of the fact that he was making a fucking JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME action movie. Ugh.

Pretty good, still quite entertaining, and the sets and cinematography are pretty rad. It opens really strong, so strong that I said to John, "this might be like a Mad Max for the nineties!" I was sadly mistaken. It gets bogged down in its unintelligible plot threads, which totally block the fact that it could be a rad post-apocalyptic road movie.

Anyway, this movie isn't worth more of my time reviewing it.

2 crucified extras out of 5.

EVIL TOONS (1992)

Welp. After the punishing twofer I experienced, I decided to regroup and watch something that's terrible in a gentle way.

ENTER: FRED OLEN RAY!

Ahhhh, what an excellent palate cleanser. Don't get me wrong, this movie was terrible - but in a nice predictable way. First of all, despite the awesome looking cover art, and the rad title, the cartoon characters in this are actually only onscreen for like, ten-ish minutes of the running time. IF that. However, what the shitty budget lacks, it more than makes up for in nudity. Of course. Are you surprised? As with every Fred Olen Ray/Jim Wynorski film every single female character eventually ends up topless at worst, and writhing with sexy feeling at best. Thus, this film is super dreck. Not that you'd be surprised. What I did like about this movie was the main lead. She was actually super cool and fairly decent at acting.

The plot was ridiculous as well, and that is enough of a segue for me to mention that fucking DAVID CARRADINE is the evil otherworldly villan. His role is so so so shitty, and he phones it in so hard. I, for one, cannot believe he is in this movie, but then, there you go!

Basically, this movie is like if Cool World sucked and had a shitty budget (hahaha, wait.) Okay, it's like Who Framed Roger Rabbit sucked really hard and Bob Hoskins was totally coked up and washed out (wait?)

I rate this movie the same amount of time that cartoons were actually onscreen: 1/15

Still it was a nice palate cleanser.

Tiptoes (2003) and Don's Plum (released outside of NA 2001, filmed around 1995, never released in NA)

Well gents, consider this a motherfucking gauntlet thrown down.

These are, without a doubt, two of the most punishing movies I have ever seen.

First up, is Don's Plum. This movie was filmed prior to DiCaprio's mega-fame gained from Titanic as favour to a friend of his. And subsequently buried by DiCaprio because of the content of the movie. That content being balls-to-the-wall misogyny.

The plot is similar to an un-eventful version of Diner. Four friends meet at a shitty restaurant every week and must each bring a new girl. The purpose of this is basically to terrorize and shit on these women. It's really fun! No, it's not, it's fucking brutal. Through the entire movie the women are treated like shit, and the four dudes (Tobey Maguire included) are portrayed as being pretty cool guys for doing it. The film itself is fairly stylish, but pretty much every time a character opens their mouth your soul will die a little.

All that being said, I definitely enjoyed watching DiCaprio be a foul-mouthed fucking asshole and will surely, in the future, troll fans of his by recommending this film. Similar to Shatner's racist cop blasting off n-bombs in The Intruder, a very small portion of me enjoyed DiCaprio as misogynistic garbage. Tom Cruise's character in Magnolia has absolutely dick-all (reference intended) on this guy.

0-slash-5 "fucking cunts" out of 5

Now to the other end of the terrible rainbow, let me recommend to you Tiptoes.

First of all, here's the most insanely bad part about this movie up front: Gary Oldman plays a midget. That's right. A full sized person with a full sized (presumably) brain decided "huh, why not play a midget? I am limited only by my talent!" For this reason alone, Tiptoes has already bested (worsted) Riding on the Bus with my Sister for wildly inappropriate and offensive casting. However, where Riding on the Bus with my Sister contained some fucking hilarious dialogue, this movie is just punishingly bad.

Once you get over Oldman-as-little-person (not easy) you will uncover a rich potpourri of movie failures. This movie telegraphs everything; it goes on forever; there are no likeable characters; it is saccharine to the point of blasphemy (as in, because this movie exists, there thus must be no God); and on and on. Watching this movie probably took me a half hour longer than it should have because I had to constantly pause the DVD and press the heels of my hands into my eyes until I could no longer see.

Again, 0-slash-5 midgets, I mean dwarves, I mean little people (seriously movie, pick a fucking term) out of 5

PS If you really want a challenge, watch them back-to-back. Liquor helped me do it; I recommend liquor.