Welcome to Good Burger.

I just finished watching this one tonight. And shit was it good. I'm not just saying that.

This movie comes out of a skit in the television show "All That." I know, I had never heard of it either. Luckily, Medellee schooled me and now I know that All That is like the Mickey Mouse Club of Nickelodeon. Amanda Bynes was on this show! Many other rad people are connected with this. Holy shit, fuck back story, let's talk about the movie!

Classic "rich people come to town and try and threaten little guys who are genuine and will fight for the right to be awesome" movie, but Good Burger succeeds where others of this genre fail: I actually like the main characters! They have charisma! YAY!

To cut a long review short (too late), this movie is wonderful for fans of semi-subversive family fare. It is a very hilarious indictment of big business even though its reason for winning is confidence and a special sauce. Insane. Recommended when you want to be entertained and shut your brain off. Might I also mention Sinbad, Abe Vigoda, and Shaquille O'Neal?

4 Crushed Cars out of 5

I miss you bro.

Fast Getaway 2

In this crowd, I'm sure I'm late to the Fast Getaway 2 Party.

It has taken a very long time for me to muster up the courage to watch this film. The problem was always that the original Fast Getaway is one of my favourite Corey Haim films. And, as we all know, that is not something said lightly. I had a far easier time watching Demolition University because I KNEW it was going to be absolute shit. This one I hoped for; I wanted it to be at least sort of as good as the first. Incorrect, Tim.

Cynthia Rothrock is barely in this movie. Well, barely compared to how much I wanted her to be in it. As we all know, Rothrock is possibly the only badass female action star to ever ever exist. Demi Moore tried but failed within one movie. Rothrock's M.O. WAS badass action star, in every fucking movie. Rothrock gets second shrift to Haim in this picture. And that bums me out so hard. She was the best; her starring roles are so rad. Fast Getaway was SO. RAD. This movie basically just wasted all of the potential that Rothrock brought: instead, this movie was a vehicle to try and make Corey Haim a worthy adult actor.

I was really disappointed in this movie, if you didn't pick that up already. Even the scant action sequences that there were (featuring Corey Haim) were very unimpressive.

I think I'm really just so down on this movie because I loved the first one so very much. Please read this review knowing that. I love you.

8912763487 out of 1893749260q86587613847658763456 I don't even care.

Cyborg AKA Slinger

Oh man, did I make a mistake with this one. Not having ever seen the normal version of Cyborg I sort of assumed that the director's cut would be better. Basically, all this movie did was make me want to watch the other, studio cut, Cyborg (especially since said studio is Golan-Globus!(!!!!!!)). And the only reason I wanted to watch this film was so I could watch its sequel! Goddamnit. Anyways, it isn't bad, there's some rad killing and stuff, but the fucking director decided that a movie that skips back and forth through time would be arty and impressive and thus totally lost sight of the fact that he was making a fucking JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME action movie. Ugh.

Pretty good, still quite entertaining, and the sets and cinematography are pretty rad. It opens really strong, so strong that I said to John, "this might be like a Mad Max for the nineties!" I was sadly mistaken. It gets bogged down in its unintelligible plot threads, which totally block the fact that it could be a rad post-apocalyptic road movie.

Anyway, this movie isn't worth more of my time reviewing it.

2 crucified extras out of 5.

EVIL TOONS (1992)

Welp. After the punishing twofer I experienced, I decided to regroup and watch something that's terrible in a gentle way.

ENTER: FRED OLEN RAY!

Ahhhh, what an excellent palate cleanser. Don't get me wrong, this movie was terrible - but in a nice predictable way. First of all, despite the awesome looking cover art, and the rad title, the cartoon characters in this are actually only onscreen for like, ten-ish minutes of the running time. IF that. However, what the shitty budget lacks, it more than makes up for in nudity. Of course. Are you surprised? As with every Fred Olen Ray/Jim Wynorski film every single female character eventually ends up topless at worst, and writhing with sexy feeling at best. Thus, this film is super dreck. Not that you'd be surprised. What I did like about this movie was the main lead. She was actually super cool and fairly decent at acting.

The plot was ridiculous as well, and that is enough of a segue for me to mention that fucking DAVID CARRADINE is the evil otherworldly villan. His role is so so so shitty, and he phones it in so hard. I, for one, cannot believe he is in this movie, but then, there you go!

Basically, this movie is like if Cool World sucked and had a shitty budget (hahaha, wait.) Okay, it's like Who Framed Roger Rabbit sucked really hard and Bob Hoskins was totally coked up and washed out (wait?)

I rate this movie the same amount of time that cartoons were actually onscreen: 1/15

Still it was a nice palate cleanser.

Tiptoes (2003) and Don's Plum (released outside of NA 2001, filmed around 1995, never released in NA)

Well gents, consider this a motherfucking gauntlet thrown down.

These are, without a doubt, two of the most punishing movies I have ever seen.

First up, is Don's Plum. This movie was filmed prior to DiCaprio's mega-fame gained from Titanic as favour to a friend of his. And subsequently buried by DiCaprio because of the content of the movie. That content being balls-to-the-wall misogyny.

The plot is similar to an un-eventful version of Diner. Four friends meet at a shitty restaurant every week and must each bring a new girl. The purpose of this is basically to terrorize and shit on these women. It's really fun! No, it's not, it's fucking brutal. Through the entire movie the women are treated like shit, and the four dudes (Tobey Maguire included) are portrayed as being pretty cool guys for doing it. The film itself is fairly stylish, but pretty much every time a character opens their mouth your soul will die a little.

All that being said, I definitely enjoyed watching DiCaprio be a foul-mouthed fucking asshole and will surely, in the future, troll fans of his by recommending this film. Similar to Shatner's racist cop blasting off n-bombs in The Intruder, a very small portion of me enjoyed DiCaprio as misogynistic garbage. Tom Cruise's character in Magnolia has absolutely dick-all (reference intended) on this guy.

0-slash-5 "fucking cunts" out of 5

Now to the other end of the terrible rainbow, let me recommend to you Tiptoes.

First of all, here's the most insanely bad part about this movie up front: Gary Oldman plays a midget. That's right. A full sized person with a full sized (presumably) brain decided "huh, why not play a midget? I am limited only by my talent!" For this reason alone, Tiptoes has already bested (worsted) Riding on the Bus with my Sister for wildly inappropriate and offensive casting. However, where Riding on the Bus with my Sister contained some fucking hilarious dialogue, this movie is just punishingly bad.

Once you get over Oldman-as-little-person (not easy) you will uncover a rich potpourri of movie failures. This movie telegraphs everything; it goes on forever; there are no likeable characters; it is saccharine to the point of blasphemy (as in, because this movie exists, there thus must be no God); and on and on. Watching this movie probably took me a half hour longer than it should have because I had to constantly pause the DVD and press the heels of my hands into my eyes until I could no longer see.

Again, 0-slash-5 midgets, I mean dwarves, I mean little people (seriously movie, pick a fucking term) out of 5

PS If you really want a challenge, watch them back-to-back. Liquor helped me do it; I recommend liquor.

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL (2009)

I know this film has received a shit ton of acclaim since its release, but I'm posting it anyway in the off chance one of my fellow Plisspals had yet to see this masterpiece. Because House Of The Devil is by far one of the greatest horror films of the last 10 years and an all time favorite of mine.

Samantha is a teen with no money. Creepy character actor Tom Noonan needs a babysitter. But when Samantha shows up for the job at a mansion in the middle of nowhere, she is told she has been misled. There is no child to be watched. But there is an overbearing old hag that needs to be watched. Her pay is increased and she is told mother barely leaves her room and the job is totally low maintenance. This is also not true.

The tension in this movie slow burns until the nerves burst from your skin and stab you in the face. It feels like if John Carpenter directed an 80's giallo. Or something like that.

97 Greta Gerwigs out of 100.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1172994/

Mmm, pizza.

DEATHROW GAMESHOW (1987)

Deathrow Gameshow is one of the most perverse and dark satires ever and it's so god damn funny that I dare you to not like it.

It's a gameshow called Live or Die that challenges convicted felons to compete in different life threatening situations. If they make it through, they go free. If not, a gruesome death awaits.

Sometimes they get bonus rounds to try and win some money for their family before they die.

HAHAHAHA.

It even has commercial breaks with fucking crazy ads for things usually somehow involving a corpse.

89 eyepatches out of 100.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092859/

BLOODY BIRTHDAY (1981)

Kevin take note: The ringleader of these little shits is a pre-pubescent Mikey from Parker Lewis!

One day during a solar eclipse, 3 babies are born at the exact same instant. Flash forward 10 years and the tweens have become cold merciless killers. Turns out the eclipse blocked saturn's magic rings from blessing the children with emotions so, no fucking rules, dude.

They basically go around killing people who annoy them and it's so much fun! One kid has a peephole into his sisters room and his buddies pay him to let them watch his sister change! Nice!

86 eyepatches out of 100.

There used to be a way better trailer for this, but I can't seem to find them shits anymore.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082084/

TWICE DEAD (1988)

OK, so I still haven't been able to get my computer fixed but I really wanted to post a horror movie every day for the month of October so I'm trying my best to hammer a few out on this white devil Jennea calls a computer.

Directed by Bert Dragin (Bert. Dragin.), Twice Dead is about a family who inherits a spooky old house from some dead uncle. Good thing too because they just happen to need a new place to live. Problem is some depressed cake-face actor hung himself in that very house some hundred years earlier! But then, just as you think you're in for a run of the mill haunted house story, a gang of street punks starts tormenting the sister (bonerific Jill Whitlow) and her brother. Shit carries over to the schoolyard where they meet Todd Bridges and then save him from the crusty punks! The gang follows bro and sis back to the house and shit gets real. Turns out the dead actor's ghost also hates punks and helps the kids fight back!

Jill Whitlow is hot. A solid 80's gem. 79 eyepatches out of 100.

Holy shit, I hadn't seen the trailer until just now. Awesome.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096319/

The Horn Blows at Midnight (1945)

I don't even know if my fellow Pliss-kids ever give classic film the time of day - but this movie was legitimately funny and, I have to say, likely bizarre enough even for you guys to dig it.

Basically this movie is about an angel that is tasked to come down to destroy the earth by blowing his heavenly trumpet at midnight, but since Jack Benny is kind of one of those clueless doofus types, mayhem ensues. Fallen angel debacles. It's kind of like if It's a Wonderful Life followed Terrence Oddbody fully - or Wings of Desire without the overt beauty and Columbo cameos - or like City of Angels without the melodrama and scrunchy Meg Ryan nose - but then add a some hokey 1940's "wit" and tons of morbid doomsday jokes. And a lot of strange 40's surrealism: angel orchestras stretching to the horizon, heavenly elevators, fallen angel walls of shame, falling in a giant coffee mug -

And the whole film ends in a "it was all a dream" cliche... incredible.

I guess Jack Benny used to poke fun at this film, and apparently was a huge flop when it came out, but it's definitely aged a whole lot better than a lot of "classic" film.

7 every time a bell rings out of 10 angel wings.

~KS

The Parking Lot Movie

The Parking Lot Movie (2010)

Directed by Meghan Eckman

Trailer

This is a documentary about parking lot attendants at one lot in particular. Doesn’t it already sound amazing? Well you’d be right. London, Lauren, and I watched this one during their recent visit and in my opinion it was just a wonderful lovely entertaining movie about those who hold an underappreciated job that serves to affirm and celebrate those workers’ awesomeness. There are tonnes of little-guy-vs-assholes material, lots of dry humor, and some simply hilarious interactions with drunks. Not a mind-blowing movie by any stretch of the imagination, but a perfect film for a quiet afternoon when what you require is some levity and delight. It has been a month or so, so I cannot remember any specifics, but I would highly recommend it to anyone. It is a documentary though, so that sort of hurts it in my eyes due to my vague and general hatred of documentaries, and thus I give it 4 Maroons out of 5.

ORDINARY PEOPLE (1980)

ORDINARY PEOPLE (1980) - Directed by Robert Redford

Greg introduced me to this one, and I wanna get into Robert Redford's directed stuff a lot more.

Basically, the film is about a family trying to cope with the loss of a family member, who died in a tragic boating accident. Tim Hutton plays the lesser-favorite brother who attempted suicide and is racked with guilt, and is seeing a psychiatrist (played by Judd Hirsch). Mary Tyler Moore is the cold, unforgiving mother, incapable of doling out any more love, total bitch. Donald Sutherland plays the father that tries to remain positive and keep everyone together.

It was well done, but it kind of dragged near the end, and then finished abruptly.

But that's okay, because the movie had the few occasional lines that just seemed so out-of-place for this kind of drama, that me and Greg just looked at each other and laughed. Seriously, Tim Hutton barking like a dog was awesome. Plus, Donald Sutherland's goofy face when he laughs, and Mary Tyler Moore's Egyptian Mummy Corpse Face added to the comedic relief throughout the otherwise heavy film.

The psychiatrist scenes with Hutton and Hirsch were good, and looked like they could have been inspiration for Good Will Hunting. I teared up a little bit when they did a "It's not your fault, it's not your fault" sequence. No, this was total inspiration for GWH (Except I like Robin Williams as a psychiatrist more, just because of the "if you talk ill about my wife again, I WILL END YOU, you got that chief?!" line).

As I said, the ending was abrupt (Husband tells wife she's a cold bitch and he doesn't love her; she fucks off to Houston; the son blames himself for her leaving; father consoling kid telling him not to blame himself, and that's it! END.)

SO AWESOME.

The cold ending gives this 6 grim skulls of 10.

I'd recommend this movie to anyone that's ever coped with the loss of a loved one, or anyone who wants to see tomb face. Plus, this movie gets referenced in Party Down, first episode.

Ordinary Fucking People.

- LD



Trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZYHe8IAlto&feature=player_embedded

KENNY & COMPANY (1976)

The trailer speaks for itself...

imdb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074739/

GOOD NEIGHBOURS (2010)

Starting things off with Good Neighbours because I recently saw it and afterwards read this review in the Calgary Herald by a man named Jay Stone who had his head way up his ass.

http://www.calgaryherald.com/news/Good+Neighbours+lacks+thrills+chills+focus/5140575/story.html

Don't go in expecting plot tension and suspense because when there isn't any, you end up writing a negative review for what you wanted the movie to be, instead of what it is. And it's not really that kind of movie. Jay Stone, I just don't get you. What's not to love? It has those dark, uncomfortable perversions that I've come to love from independent canadian films and most of all, it's super fucking funny. Something that Mr. Stone seems to have glaringly omited from his review. He was too busy waiting for the twist to be revealed to realize he was supposed to be having fun.

Speedman is usual Speedman (like, Speakers Corner/Kitchen Party Speedman. Not Underworld/Felicity Speedman.) and Jay Baruchel is his usual soggy paper towel limpy wimpy, but dialed back just a bit to take it from awkward geeky to creepy geeky. He has a beard.





http://http//www.imdb.com/title/tt1576440/

Now it's proper Geocities!

Let's See How These Shits Look

You drive me ape, you big gorilla.